Thursday, July 23, 2009

Fredrick Darling


Built a box
for Fredrick Darling
eyes like clouds
of startled starlings

discontented
with his lot
spat and cursed
the very thought

Dug a hole
for Fredrick Darling
nose like knuckles
bent from brawling

burning cheap
cigars and fury
unforgiving
judge and jury

Stamped a stone
for Fredrick Darling
gaunt and gray and
sneering, snarling

hollow beast
that rattled Troy
and hid a scared
and broken boy

Held a wake
for Fredrick Darling
wecome rain
was gently falling

no one but
the parson came
to say a prayer
or bless the name

Fredrick Darling
darling
Fred
who’s just as cold
now that he’s
dead

11 comments:

Julie said...

Hi, Joaquin. Once again you get me charged up, and that is a good thing. I love it! "Eyes like clouds of startled starlings" is awesome. And, of course, "nose like knuckles bent from brawling." The cheap cigars are another great detail. I could go on and on.

As always, your poem wakes up the hamster on my wheel and makes me think. I think of people like Fredrick Darling I have known. I wonder if those people will change before they die. I wonder what makes them nasty. (Your second stanza says it all). And I think of the times when I'm nasty and wonder what people will say about me when I die. Hmmm...

Excellent work, Joaquin. Your words are a life lesson. I'll come back to read this one several times.

Karen said...

joaquin - My Thursday treat!! (You may be able to see that I sneak here during work on Thursdays but have to wait until I get home to comment --keeping that secret, I hope!)

Poor Frederick Darling/darling Fred - doomed by his own attitude.

I love the wordplay, the details that show so much about him - "eyes like clouds of startled starlings," "nose like knuckles bent from brawling," "burning cheap cigars and fury," "gaunt and gray and sneering, snarling".

I think my favorite lines are these:

"hollow beast
that rattled Troy
and hid a scared
and broken boy"

You do better characterization in these four lines than most of us could write in pages.

I love your alliteration and rhyme, love the story that can make me feel for him by the end. Somebody's baby boy...but I'll bet he bit the hand that fed him!

Great summary lines, too: "just as cold now that he's dead."

As usual, I find your work to be outstanding. I know I say that every week, but I'm sincere. I hope you have these published somewhere to get a greater audience; you deserve that -- or maybe READERS deserve that.

soulintention said...

Here, Here Joaquin, what a wonderful piece of magic - you such a joy to read and ponder --- Luv it --- And Fred well, what can you say, no matter, he would not have like it anyway ---

RachelW said...

I like this one. It paints a picture so ugly, it's almost comical, in a black humour sort of way. Definitely a keeper!

Sarah Hina said...

Another masterful poem, Joaquin. And I really loved the one you submitted to Jason's contest as well.

I'm with Karen (that's a good place to be, I think). The metaphor of the Trojan horse was perfect. Anger covers for fear too often. And he didn't have anyone to open that door.

Those starling eyes will stay with me for awhile. The dark shadows of their flight.

And just as a last note: I loved the name. The harsh, and the tender. Perfectly encapsulated.

Beautiful work. Like I'd expect anything less. ;)

Aniket said...

I loved it too much to pick a fav. line or look at the writing efficieny. :) :)

This is officially my favoritest poem of 2009. :D

I so love to read/sing all your poems aloud. (I do it when am alone so that nobody knows. :P)


PS: Your entry was in my top 5. :P

Pradip Biswas said...

You invite similies and then with your stroke of wordplay make them live. Really inspiring and lovely.

Jannie Funster said...

Man, you just keep pumpping out the classics. I mean, you're so good it's as if I've read these before. Meant as a compliment, as you know. Of course!

joaquin carvel said...

julie - i seriously doubt you have anything to worry about - we are all allowed our lesser moments - it's the people who choose to live in them that make me sad. thank you - your support and encouragement is incredible.

karen - i am an excellent secret-keeper. thank you, again, for your words - if i ever stumble onto a publisher who shares your opinion you'll be the first to know!

soulintention - you're so right - some folks are only happy when they're unhappy. thank you!

rachel - thank you! i think it kind of black-humorish in a funny/sad way.

sarah - i've (we've) missed you! yes, that is a good place to be - thank you - hope you are well.

aniket - thank you! best of 09? i'll take it. thanks for your vote as well - there were so many great pieces it is truly an honor. (you don't sing them in public? that's ok, me neither.)

pradip - thank you - glad you dropped by.

jannie - of course. thank you. and if you happen to find any of them under someone else's name in a dusty 19th century anthology, i have no idea how they got there.;)

PEOPLE, PLACES, VOICES, FACES... said...

I loved your entry in the Clarity of Night contest and came here to see your blog.

You now have a new fan and follower, Joaquin, and I'm going to be here every thursday to see what you've posted!

What you can do
with a word or two!
Paint people,
tell stories,
in little brush-stroke images
both new and true.
Joaquin you make me both Ooh and stew!

Ranee

Jannie Funster said...

Now Sam Mc Gee was from Tennessee
where the cotton blooms and blows...

You know that one?

He reminds me of Fredrick Darling.