Thursday, July 16, 2009

Feir

that night I didn’t kiss you
outside Tony’s
on the pier
or that time you said
you loved me
and I ordered you
a beer

the way I couldn’t stand it
when you sought
my shifting eyes
or the senselessness
I spouted
in ambiguous
replies

when you tried to hold my hand
I’d find somewhere else
to put it
and when anything felt
green
I’d find some way to
uproot it

and that night I left you crying
outside Tony’s
on the pier
as the surf
plowed through the pilings
I heard every
tumbled
tear

14 comments:

Julie said...

Hi, Joaquin. I love it when I'm home on Thursday! I love your poem. I think most people have been there, either as the person in love or as the narrator of the poem. Many of us have experienced both sides.

As always, you create a very powerful scene, which is why we love your poetry. I'm not just referring to myself in the third person:) I mean "we" as in everyone who reads here, including me.

I especially like that you're showing the "other" side of the heartbreak. It's a unique angle, and I love unique. It's not easy for the narrator, either. Your word choice beautifully shows the guilt the narrator feels, especially in lines like "as the surf/plowed through the pilings". The narrator is fully aware of plowing through the other person's heart. Excellent detail that says it all!

I also love your line breaks and rhythm, of course. Wonderful work, Joaquin.

Julie said...

P.S. - Awesome picture, too! It takes me back...

Karen said...

Well...Jules has said it all! I can only say that I agree with her on everything, including the "we" that includes me!

So, since there's not much left to say, I'll just rejoice that it's Thursday -- and that some lucky star brought me to Lyrics and Maladies. (That lucky star, by the way, is really a moon - my friend Kaye at Old Mossy Moon.)

Poetikat said...

This is my first visit and I've put you in my sidebar already! (If Julie and Karen think you're good then who am I to argue?)
No, I had to come and see for myself. I'm compelled by your work and will be back.

Kat

BloggerMouth said...

Reminds me of my past. I don't even know if I feel remorse because of doing what I did. I don't.

Catvibe said...

What they said.

It's hard to break it off with someone, and can hurt just as much, but in an entirely different way.

soulintention said...

I love it too and the photo of Tony's - love can be painful and many tears drops fall and you express each drop here as it tumbles to the sea ---

utopianfragments said...

you remain one of my favourite place around, though for some reasons i do not come to visit as often as i would like too...
i can write again the whole thing to tell you what i liked about it. it is whole and as always your lines and verses are joyable to read aloud..

Silly Girl said...

need I say more? /:)
just this:
"the way I couldn’t stand it
when you sought
my shifting eyes
or the senselessness
I spouted
in ambiguous
replies"
I just love your sharp words!
sg :)

Aniket said...

Didin't I comment on this before? I sure as hell read it a couple of days back.

Well I'll never mind reading any of your poems again... and again. :)

This is another gem.

The best part I like about your poems is that its not at all hard to understand and relate to. They are simple in their meaning and message. But I don't know how you do it. I could never in a million years be able to write poetry like this.

I guess you are just born with it. Many of us are geniuses but only some of us are prodigies.

RachelW said...

How could you? Waaaahhh! ;-)

joaquin carvel said...

julie - wow - thank you. kaye @ old mossy moon has a whitman quote up right now - "To have great poets, there must be great audiences." i don't know how i rate as a poet, but i do know that i have a (small, maybe, but) great audience - you (all of you) help me see my own work in new ways, inspire me, and make me want to be better. glad you liked the photo, too :)

karen - thank you - i love thursdays too - it's the wednesday nights that can be tricky. kaye is amazing - i know i'm among many who are anxious for her return.

poetikat - thanks for dropping in! yes, julie and karen are hard to argue with - but then, one can't believe everything one reads. ;)

bloggermouth - that's probably a good thing - regret, for the most part, is dead weight. thank you.

cat - exactly. there's just no easy way to do it sometimes. thanks - glad to see you!

soulintention - thank you - "each drop as it tumbles to the sea" - :)

utopianfragments - thank you! and i don't get over there as often as i'd like either - hopefully i can fix that.

sg - and i just love when you swing by. thank you, as always.

aniket - sure you could - but why would you want to when you can write like you? although i am probably too plain to be a genius and too old to be a prodigy, it would be rude of me to argue - so thank you!

rachel - i know, right? we can sure be jerks sometimes.

Aniket said...

I am quite happy with the pace am growing (at the moment) with my story writing.

I somehow can't find the rhythm in my poetry like you do, every single time. I don't know if you intentionally keep a check on syllables or it comes naturally to you...

I just have a wish to write atleast one poem that carries the same effortless rhythm that your poems do and still carry a message/story with it.

I am not there yet, but you know me... I'll always keep trying. :)

Jannie Funster said...

Holy cow.