Thursday, September 9, 2010

Cosmosis


What does not move
is always moving,
proven past
our ways of proving -

spokes and supernovas
spinning,
stars exploding,
stars beginning;

we pass in
and out of this,
wispy as
a rain-washed kiss,

breaching walls
we did not make,
held by every
breath we take.


[a discard from this prompt - seemed like a good excuse to give a shout-out to aniket and his flash fiction site, though – check it out if you haven’t, and if you have, jump in and join the party already!]

12 comments:

Julie said...

Hi, Joaquin. I just left a comment about your story at Aniket's site, so I won't bore you by repeating the same things here. But I just gotta say...if anybody hasn't read it, go read the story NOW! It is excellent!
Powerful, powerful work.

I love the prompt, and I also love this poem. My daughter is always trying to explain string theory to me. It fascinates me, but I have yet to grasp it. The same goes for Supernovas. I can understand the dictionary definitions, but I can't truly grasp the vastness of it all. It is too far beyond my limited brain. I do find meaning in life, and I do think about the questions, though.

I love how you connect the human with the metaphysical in both this poem and the story. The last two stanzas of this poem say it all for me. We are wispy--passing in and out of the world--unable to control any of it and often unable to understand.

Like the kid in your story, I cannot understand the very real heartache of life and why people treat one another badly. Still, we keep trying to make sense of the universe and our place in it. We keep trying to love. Beautiful.

swatinair said...

Wait a second... you just romanticized the most amazing facets of science in four paragraphs of utterly smashing poetry? You, Sir, are a genius. That is all.

swatinair said...

ALSO: Blogger isn't being idiotic anymore, whee!

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

Your story at Flash Fiction was really good, Joaquin. I was so impressed by it. Glad you gave Aniket a shout-out. I commented there, so won't here. I do intend on jumping in, at some point.

For some reason, I have been attracted to first lines this past week. Love the opening stanza. It's like a riddle or enigma.

"Cosmosis" is a transcendental poem...showing us that we have not experienced the cosmos, as much as we have knowledge of it. I love that we have the stars, planets, galaxies to mystify us. With so much at our fingertips, it is good to have something to dream about from afar - way beyond the material world - and our grasp, and our imaginations! Thank you for an excellent poem.

Karen said...

I seem to have so little time for blogging lately that I haven't been to Ani's site for a while.Now I need to get over there to read your story.

I love the way your poem places us in the midst of the cosmos and at the same time makes us part of and apart from it. That it is "proven past/our ways of proving" sets us in context. Here we are passing in and out of this great unknown, unknowable but reachable (breachable)reality, "wispy as/a rain-washed kiss."

Your description of the spinning, exploding always moving cosmos is almost dizzying until we realize that we are just a wisp, a vapor, a breath.

Did you say a discard? I'd say a royal flush!

Terresa said...

This poem is a marvel, it reads/rolls off the tongue. And ditto to everything Julie said!


PS: I'll check out aniket next...

Anonymous said...

Took me time to read the whole article, the article is great but the comments bring more brainstorm ideas, thanks.

- Johnson

Nevine said...

Joaquin, I'm still in a bit of the proverbial drunken stupor. I've just returned (like I was on another planet... really, though, I was) from reading your story and wow! I just discovered a whole new dimension of Joaquin. The story was real real real... those characters were dead-on... the voice was... I'm speechless, really. Yes, I know that "speechless" is the copout most commenters use when they haven't read the work and they just want to be nice to you. But I'm hoping you know me better than that and that you'll just appreciate my true speechlessness, here.

As for this poem, your realistic voice and your cynicism never ever cease to amaze, Joaquin. You have your own particular way of turning the harshness of reality into something beautiful.

I have just experienced two full shots of raw talent. Awesome, both!

Nevine

Aniket said...

We are all in the same boat guys. All in the same boat. One hardly finds to take care of their own baby these days to baby sit for others. And yes, by baby I mean blog. :D

I am going through a bit of a crisis at work too, so had to take a short break from blogging and visiting others. So trust me, I completely understand one not making it to the site. And I really do believe, we have moved past the point to comment on each post. No one can fake love for so long. The fact we are still hanging around each other is proof enough that we love each others work and love to read it. So I guess, we eventually would whenever we get the time. And thats good enough for me. :D :D

I just dropped by here, as I knew someone had given me a shout-out for the new registrations started pouring in on my site. :P

Thank you Joaquin for the constant support and encouragement. And I loved the last stanza. So between me and Kaye we've got the start and end covered. Someone pick the lines in between and we've got it all covered. Julie says last 2 stanzas but I bet she wants all of it. ;)

joaquin carvel said...

julie - thank you, first, for your comments on the story. i don't write a lot of fiction, so your reaction blew me away. and on this, too - "trying to make sense of the universe and our place in it" - i don't think i could articulate it any more accurately than that. thank you, truly.

swati - (i bow gratefully) - thank you. i keep telling people that, but... just kidding. seriously, though, thank you - i can't tell you how much that brightened my day.

k. - thank you twice - for your comments on flash fiction and here. (aniket deserves a few shout-outs - it's an amazing community he's pulling together over there - hope you jump in soon!) i love the words you use - "riddle", "mystify" - it's all so fascinating, but i haven't the faculties to wrap my head around it. that's ok, though - thankfully, there is imagination. :)

karen - there's a lot of good reads over there - but time - i know. wish i had more too. "dizzying" is exactly how i feel when i start to consider it - the outward and inward and endlessness. thank you!

teressa - thank you! i love when they roll like that - glad to know it does. :)

nevine - yes, i know you well enough to know that - and i do really appreciate it. thank you - coming from you, it means a lot.

aniket - yep - that's proof enough and good enough for me too. :) thank you - though i can't take all the credit for the upswing - there are a lot of people who are excited and spreading the word, i'm sure. you've got a great thing going - i'm just happy to be able to take part.

utopianfragments said...

that's a wonderful language play and move

Jingle said...

unbeatable word play...