Thursday, April 14, 2011

Corporate Compliance


Login,
click,
begin.

***

1. Code of Business Conduct:

Conduct all business
in code; a problem is
“an issue”.
To ignore an issue,
“table it” until it becomes
“an escalation.”

When your boss tells you
“let’s talk about that offline,”
stop talking.
When her boss tells her
“Let’s talk about that offline,”
start updating
your résumé.

2. Electronic Communication Awareness

Corporate email systems
are not to be used
for personal business.

There is no personal business here
because we impersonally
monitor
everything.

3. EEO and Harassment Policies

You do not have a race, color, or creed;
you are a number,
and you will be respected
as such.

Respect others
as such.

No means no
unless accompanied by a coy smile
in which case
it might also mean
“maybe, but not here”
(see also
Code of Business Conduct)

4. Ergonomics

It is not your imagination.

There is a multitude of ways
this innocuous little cube
can completely cripple you,
and if it does

it is entirely your fault.

***

Congratulations!
Please print for your records.
Expires in 12 months.

7 comments:

signed...bkm said...

you have cubed the corporate world of those who work in it everyday...have not been here in a long time..thought I would stop in and say Hi....bkm

Terresa said...

Ah, the office humor in this (that I completely get) is beyond good, it's baffling great!

And thanks for the blog visit, hope you are well & writing! :)

Aniket said...

Haha! I can totally see this becoming one of those mails that people keep forwarding for ages. Laughing at their own sorry state working for a corporate monster of a firm. Been there, done that. My manager used to say "We need to talk" and take us to the meeting room. Break-ups seemed a cake walk after hearing that line. :P

I remember I'd also been scolded for being on blogs for too much time, till they blocked that too. That was the time I realized I had to quit. :)

I never got that coy smile though. Dayum.

Sarah Hina said...

I like the buried wink in this, the very human act of non-compliance this poem becomes when set against a world of soulless adherence. Number 4 is particularly devastating.

And, um, I have to know...your picture or not? :)

joaquin carvel said...

bkm - good to see you! thank you - i'll be dropping by soon.

teressa - thank you - the office is nothing if not baffling. :)

aniket - yep - the corporate slog is definitely not a cakewalk. and those meetings are never fun. you do meet some classic people, but yeah - no blogs is definitely a good place to draw the line. never got the coy smile? are you sure? hmmmm….

sarah - yeah - working for a fortune 50 is pretty soulless. but at least there is no shortage of things to mock while at work.
and - sadly - my picture. it was still printing. i snapped and walked away.

Heaven said...

Ha..ha... this is such fun to read.
And I had to sign off on our Office Code and privacy rules last week.

Totally made my morning. Thanks ~

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